Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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