Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
