Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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