Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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