Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
