i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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