Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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