If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
