you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
