I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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