So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?