see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.