I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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