so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
