I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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