I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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