My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.