so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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