dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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