Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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