Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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