dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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