I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
