I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
PS: I just woke up from my shower
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think my moral compass just broke
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
