Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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