There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
