When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
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She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
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I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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