My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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