So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
