I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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