So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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