just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
