i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize