he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
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we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
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Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
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