my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.