She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive