you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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