Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
