Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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