I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
