I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
