I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Is it penis luge time yet?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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