its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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