i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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