girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
