Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
