2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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