Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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