I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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