I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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