i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
