Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
