I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
