Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
