Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
