oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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