I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
