oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
