i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
